Inside: If you’re struggling to find the tools you need to navigate intense little people encounters as a respectful parent, these five simple phrases might be the tools you’ve been looking for.
Once upon a time, I was most definitely NOT a respectful parent. I was taught by the American evangelical church to be the opposite – an authoritarian parent.
Dear James Dobson and Ted Tripp: denounce every parenting book you ever wrote, please and thank you. The Pearls? I’m sorry, but I’m pretty sure you’re beyond redemption.
Authoritarian parenting methods were designed to train – yes, train, like animals – kids to obey all the time, from the youngest of ages, no questions asked.
And disobedience meant spankings because how else would they learn to obey God without question one day? This rhetoric makes me feel sick to my stomach to this day.
It was – and still is – as bad as it sounds. And in my opinion, this brand of evangelical parenting has played a major role in our descent into authoritarianism in the United States today.
Thankfully, I woke up a few years in, and set out to figure out how to be a good parent.
I tried Love and Logic.
I tried permissive parenting.
I tried gentle parenting…it still wasn’t quite right.
And eventually, I found my way to respectful parenting. But even then, I had to figure out a lot of things on my own.
As horrific as authoritarian parenting was, there was a clear and simple formula, and man, there were days when I desperately missed having a formula.
I had to piece together my own parenting toolbox. And especially when I encountered tricky parenting situations with younger kiddos (ages 7 and under), I needed easy-to-use tools.
When I had a kid screaming in the living room, I had absolutely no extra brain space to sift through my parenting toolbox and consider which tool to use. I needed ready-to-go tools for the situations I knew I would face on repeat.
These phrases were those tools, and we still use them today.
Related: 5 Respectful Parentings Books I Wish I’d Read Sooner
5 Simple Phrases Every Respectful Parent Needs
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Once upon a time, there were more phrases. Here are the original eight. We only use these five today, mostly because the other three didn’t sit right with our respectful parenting philosophy.
Using simple memorized phrases helped me keep my cool when I was in the middle of an intense encounter with a child.
Maybe you’re cool as a cucumber and never lose your temper with your kid. I’m jealous.
I’ve majorly reformed over the years, but when my kids were younger, I seriously struggled with my temper. Let’s be honest: sometimes, I still do.
Especially when I encountered a blocked, urgent goal of some kind – like we had to be out the door for a dentist appointment (or else $$$), or the screaming just wouldn’t stop and my nervous system was at its max – I desperately needed an already decided way to navigate the situation.
These phrases gave me simple, decided-on-in-advance solutions for intense situations I knew I would face over and over again.
And once I started using them often enough, my kids knew how things would play out once I used each phrase.
I promise: these phrases will save you from losing your cool, or doing anything else you’ll regret and have to apologize for later.
(These phrases were inspired by and loosely modified from books like Love & Logic and Loving Your Kids on Purpose, neither of which I currently recommend as far as parenting practices go.)
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1. “Do you want to calm down here or in your room?”
For whatever reason, several of our kids have tantrumed well beyond the typical tantruming age.
Maybe it’s the PDA (pathological demand avoidance or pervasive demand for autonomy)?
Maybe it’s simply that respectful parenting allows for more emotional outbursts than authoritative parenting?
I don’t know, and it doesn’t really matter.
But what I do know is that extended screaming HURTS. So as a family of seven, we’ve set general boundaries that include no long-term tantruming in family space.
We do allow a few minutes for said tantrumer to calm down. But if it’s clear that the tantrum is going to continue, we direct them to their room – or another space away from family space.
The rest of the family deserves not to have their ears assaulted by seemingly bottomless screams.
After the screaming has subsided a bit, I will usually offer to join them and comfort them if needed. But I learned a long time ago that I am not the kind of parent that can stay with a child while they’re screaming – and that’s ok.
2. “Do you want to walk or be carried?”
We use this phrase in a few different ways, but it’s often in conjunction with phrase #1.
If said tantruming child is not removing themselves from the room on their own and is still screaming like a banshee, we offer this choice.
If they do not move, they’re choosing to be carried.
We also use this phrase when we need a child to be somewhere ASAP and they’re just not moving on their own – to get in the car, go to the bathroom, etc.
This phrase works up until age seven, after which carrying becomes a “do I want to throw my back out today” kind of parenting decision.
Related: 7 Secrets to Surviving the Terrible Twos – from a Mom of 5
3. “You decide or I decide.”
Most of the time, I believe in choices. Why? Because I, an adult, have choices.
The choices I have as an adult are still limited, however, by things like the money in my bank account, the food in my fridge, or my energy to make a difficult meal (girl dinner, anyone?).
But sometimes, I’ve reached my max. I don’t have the energy or bandwidth to offer multiple choices. At that point, for the sake of me being the best “not yelling” parent I can be, I use this phrase.
And my kids know that it means I’m done, and I need them to make a choice between the choices I can help them with in that moment.
So if it’s a bedtime snack, and I am not capable of making difficult foods, it’s option A or B. If they don’t choose, I will.
4. “You can come and have fun or come and not have fun.”
One of my favorites, this phrase is the one to use when there really is no other choice.
It helps kids learn that sometimes you really do have to do things you don’t want to do. But the one choice you always have, no matter what, is your attitude.
And let’s be real, sometimes mine – the adult’s – is pretty crappy. It is their right to come and not have fun.
What to do if they refuse to come? You have two options, depending on how urgent the situation is. If you are in a time crunch, you can use phrase #2.
If you have lots of time, you can offer to hire a babysitter (hint: they pay, not you – in money or work).
What if they aren’t dressed appropriately? Often, what your kids are wearing is just fine except for your embarrassment over being seen in public with a kid in pajamas.
Your embarrassment is your problem, not theirs.
If what they are wearing is not acceptable (just underwear, for instance), you can bring extra clothes with you in the car.
5. “I’d love to talk when you’re calmer.”
Again, you can – and should – set reasonable communication boundaries as a respectful parent as soon as your kids are old enough to learn (usually around ages 3 or 4).
You are letting your child know that you love him and that you really do want to talk to him. However, your conditions for having a conversation are that his voice is a reasonable volume.
I used to require them to calm down completely before talking, but I don’t think that’s fair. I just don’t want to be yelled at. I usually end up yelling back, and that’s not good for anyone.
The first few times you use this, your kids probably won’t get it. They will continue to yell like they did before.
Then what do you do?
You can repeat it a few times to give them a chance to dial down the yelling. But if your temper is rising and they’re old enough to be left for a few minutes, tell them you need a break.
(As much as we’re human and sometimes we slip and yell back, avoiding the yelling is always a good idea.)
Then head to a room with a door to close, and tell them you’ll be back as soon as you’re calm.
Even adults – maybe parents especially? – need a time out.
P.S. The child in the picture above was fairly compensated for their fantastic tantrum pose. 😉
These Phrases Aren’t The End All Be All, But They Sure Do Help
There’s a time and place for nuance and deciding how to handle each situation individually, especially as your kids get older. But even respectful parents need formulas sometimes.
Decision fatigue is real, especially when your kids are small.
If you know you’re going to encounter certain behaviors day after day for the next few years, deciding in advance how to respond in ways that don’t completely drain you can quite literally save your life.
Parenting is hard, but it doesn’t have to be quite so hard.
I hope these phrases help you on your respectful parenting journey. That they save you a little bit of energy and sanity, so you have some left over to enjoy the little years.
Because as challenging as the little years are, there is still a lot to love.
And as much as I wanted to scream when those little old ladies in the grocery stores told my exhausted self (who was at that exact moment wrangling at least three fighting/crying children) to enjoy the little years, I know now that they were right about one thing: you can’t get the little years back.
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