Inside: Are you struggling to unschool with anxiety and wondering why it’s not getting better? I’ve unschooled with anxiety for forever, and here are my best tips for unschooling with anxiety – because it might not ever fully go away.
I wanted to unschool since I first discovered the term in 2017, but anxiety held me back.
Even when we weren’t 100% unschooling (we rocked the “relaxed homeschooling” label for a LONG time), the anxiety came in waves, strong, overpowering waves that crippled me for days or even weeks at a time.
While trying to find my footing again during those waves, I fell back into my anxiety habits.
There were verbal quizzes with questions that went something like, “Do you know how to _____ ?”, forced handwriting sessions, and several rounds of Brainquest workbook purchases. That’s only a few of my half-crazed efforts to make me feel like I was doing enough.
Those waves kept me up at night, reading unschooling books over and over again, desperate to quiet the fears.
Writing down everything we did every single day, to make sure that valid, “real” learning was actually happening. Scouring my children’s annual standardized test scores to see if I was measuring up.
When I eventually let go of control a few years ago and embraced unschooling completely, the anxiety ramped up a notch – actually, make that several notches.
And all the deschooling in the world didn’t seem to make a dent.
Related: Unschooling vs. Homeschooling – What’s the Difference?
7 Tips for Unschooling With Anxiety (Because Sometimes, It Doesn’t Go Away)
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When I would share my anxiety in unschooling groups, the answer was always the same: deschool some more.
But what if I already HAD deschooled?
My head knew that my kids were always learning and that they would learn what they needed to learn when they needed to learn it, but my nervous system did not.
My nervous system still screamed, “You are being chased by a rhinoceros!” every other month like clockwork – no matter how many unschooling podcasts I listened to, unschooling books I read or unschooling groups I joined.
Finally, I realized that maybe the anxiety would never fully go away.
Maybe I needed to learn how to unschool with anxiety instead of trying to deschool it away (which clearly was NOT working).
If this is you, too, a parent trying to unschool when you have clinical levels of anxiety, I want you to know that you CAN do this.
Laid back, non-anxious people telling you “no need to keep records” and “just deschool some more” are never going to understand what it’s like to be YOU.
But I do.
I know unschooling with anxiety is possible because I’ve been doing it for years. Here are my best, hard-won tips that make it a whole lot easier.
Related: The Pros and Cons of Unschooling – Some Brutal Honesty
1. Unpack your worst-case scenarios.
You need to come face to face with your worst-case scenario. What are you most afraid of happening at the end of your unschooling journey with your child?
For me, my greatest fear was that my child would resent me for choosing unschooling and not having access to the opportunities they wanted. Possibly loss of relationship would follow.
My antidote to that fear? We talk A LOT about why we unschool, how we are always learning and that we can learn anything at any time if you truly want or need to.
We talk about hypotheticals, like what we would do if something was hard to learn that they wanted to learn, how we would find the support and resources to make it possible.
I offer a lot of opportunities, even if I know they will most likely say, “No.” One day they might not.
Taking a proactive and preventative approach to unschooling is a must for us anxious folk.
And finally, accept that your kids might blame unschooling (and therefore, you) at some point for their life outcomes.
Once I accepted that and continued to choose unschooling because I truly believe it’s the best choice for my kids, I could take a deep breath and move forward with confidence.
2. Stop worrying about not being “unschooly” enough – don’t be afraid to make mistakes or baby step your way to unschooling.
After I left evangelical Christianity and went through deconstruction a few years ago, I started to see culty behavior everywhere.
Unschooling was no different.
There will always be people wanting to gate keep and police unschooling, making sure only people who are truly unschooling can claim the name.
I get it, I do. I’ll hear about people who think unschooling means leaving your kids to their own devices and not ever teaching them anything, and I think, “Ughhh, why?! That’s not what unschooling means!”
Then I’ll pop into an unschooling group and see some well-meaning mom who wants to learn more about unschooling get attacked because she has her kids do some math and reading, and she hears, “You’re not really unschooling!”
Stop worrying about what other people think.
Ask questions with safe people in safe places. Baby step your way to unschooling if you want! Gradually let go of control at a pace YOU can handle.
Do math curriculum if you want, and your kids are (mostly) willing. Give chores. Negotiate reasonable bedtimes. You know, all the NOT radical unschooly things.
You’ll find your unschooling groove eventually.
In the meantime, do what you need to do to stay a mentally healthy homeschooling parent for your children. That’s what they need more than anything.
3. Connect with your kids as much as possible.
The cure for anxiety is almost always connection. Connection builds trust, and it gives you a window into your child’s inner world.
So if they invite you to rewatch their favorite show with them, join them if at all possible. When they ask to go for a walk, put down the vacuum and say, “Yes.”
If they create a playlist of Youtube shorts, watch with them. If they suggest a weekly Marvel night, join them.
If they ask to play a boardgame or to read a book together, say yes as much as you can.
(I, *gulp*, finally said yes to trying Roblox this week because my youngest adores it. Wish me luck!)
When you join in, you can see just how much they’re learning and exactly what they’re learning, which will majorly quiet the anxiety.
You can also see so much better what they love and what might also interest them. You can make suggestions tailored to them, and isn’t that the whole point?
Related: Unschooling Ideas & Plans for 2025-2026 – 10th, 8th, 6th, 4th, and 1st
4. Fill your own cup.
There’s so much debate about self-care in the homeschool world. Personally, I think unschooling parents need to be even MORE intentional about it than homeschooling parents.
Unschooling parents don’t have “off the clock” times. School is never “done” for the day, like in the homeschool world.
If you don’t set boundaries for self-care time, it won’t happen.
Personally, going for long runs, watching Grey’s Anatomy over and over again (up until Alex leaves – IYKYK), and cleaning my house energizes me.
Figure out what truly fills your cup, and make time for that.
5. Don’t linger on negative homeschooling stories or comment sections.
If you homeschool and you’ve been on Tiktok for a second, you know that “some parents shouldn’t be homeschooling” hot takes come up from time to time.
On those posts, you’ll likely find the anecdotal comments, “I know a kid who is ‘unschooled’ and can’t read or write at age 10.”
As a conscientious, but anxious unschooling parent, they pull you in, because of course, you don’t want that to be your kid. And you wonder, what if I’m ruining my kid?
Before you know it, you’re deep in the comment section taking in every negative comment – and there are a lot, because of course, every teacher and parent who ever encountered a poorly homeschooled child has been drawn by the algorithm to the rant fest.
Don’t do it. Don’t stay there. You, my fellow anxious unschooling parent, cannot handle it – trust me, I know. Those stories will keep you deep in an anxiety spiral for days or even weeks, which isn’t good for you OR your kids.
Keep scrolling.
Let other people filter it for you. Let them sift through the negativity to give you the recommendations of how to be proactive and not be that negative story one day.
6. Remind yourself that school does not guarantee success.
When you choose an unconventional educational path for your kids and things get hard, it’s easy to assume that school would fix everything.
If you just sent your kids to school, they would magically thrive. You’d thrive. Everything would be better!
Look at the kids who attend public school: are they all thriving? Does every child excel and pass all their classes?
You and I both know this isn’t reality. The majority of people in the world attend some form of public school, and a decent number of them fail and flounder (some because of school).
Define success for yourself: what do I need to do in a day or a week to feel like a successful unschooling parent? As much as you can, do that.
Eventually, your kids will have to define success for themselves, too.
Because borrowing someone else’s definition of success never ends well, and school is not a guarantee.
7. Stay present and get comfortable with change.
Honestly, the hardest thing for me about unschooling is the constant change.
Kids grow and change. Their interests change. What worked for six months doesn’t work forever.
You have to stay flexible and be willing to pivot.
One day, they love reading aloud. The next day, they’re not interested in the same books anymore.
One day, they adore the order of operations and challenging math problems, and the next, they hate math.
One kid learns to read quickly at the age of 5, and the next waits until age 8. The reading curriculum that worked perfectly well for two kids is rejected by kid number four (who, in fact, rejects reading instruction altogether).
When you’re following your children’s lead, things will change, and anxiety hates nothing more than constant change.
So my best advice is to find ways to stay in the present. Don’t think too far into the future. If you’re a planner, hold those plans loosely.
One word of wisdom I always hold onto is, “There are no educational emergencies.” Your children can learn whatever they want to learn, whenever they want or need to learn it.
Your job is to drill this mantra into their heads. Because the only thing that might hold them back? Somehow internalizing the belief that they can’t.
One Part of My Personal Solution for Unschooling with Anxiety? Medication
Up until last year, I had resisted anxiety medication, opting to try to deal with the anxiety myself in various ways.
Then I was diagnosed with PTSD and an anxiety disorder, amongst other things, and the person who wrote my report strongly recommended taking an SSRI because life was harder than it needed to be.
I was scared to take SSRIs, mostly due to my church/Christian background, but when I finally took the plunge and started taking generic Prozac at the end of 2024, it was life-changing!
I can “brush away” anxious thoughts so much easier (about everything from the house breaking to my children’s futures), and I can finally take deep breaths easily all the time.
If you’ve been deschooling for a long time, and you still struggle with anxiety in unschooling, you might want to consider medication.
Find People Who Get What Unschooling with Anxiety Is Like
If the people in your current online unschooling groups or friend groups criticize you for not understanding unschooling enough or you constantly feel attacked, that probably isn’t the group for you.
Those probably aren’t your people. And if you’re unschooling with anxiety, you need to find people who get it.
You need people who understand what unschooling with anxiety is like. The ones who get that the anxiety may never fully go away, and you’re choosing to unschool anyways.
This website is a safe place for unschooling parents who have anxiety. You won’t be judged here or dismissed or told you’re not doing it exactly right.
There’s space for baby stepping your way to unschooling, for unschooling, plus XYZ homeschool methods or unschooling lite.
You can do this. You’ve got this. I’m here for you: reach out anytime. Get more free unschooling content on Substack when you subscribe below.
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